Monday, April 13, 2015

Time Wont Let Me Go; 4 years without Ann.

I wish every April 13th never existed. Today is the 4th anniversary of Ann's passing. I can say that as the years pass, the pain has subsided a bit. I've become stronger, and I've accepted the events of that day. Sometimes I think to myself, how did I make it pass that day?

It was a day where fear invaded my body. Where death was so close to me. When I became numb. I recall the doctor telling "I'm sorry," as I stood outside of her room.  Then walking into Ann's hospital room and wanting everyone to leave me alone with her. I cried. I didn't exactly know how to say goodbye at that moment. I don't think that as of today, I really never said goodbye. I just held her hand as the tears came down my face.

Her last few days with us, was hard for me. I could not accept the situation. I thought there was hope. Sometimes science can only provide you with temporary hope, but not answers or solutions. The first year without her was one of the toughest for me. I felt lonely, and was just trying to get by without her was tough. The second year was slightly better. The third I matured and I accepted that I am ok. I will be ok. And now here we are on the 4th year. Past tears and sadness. Every year is a milestone for me. It's a learning process and a healing one too.

There are days when I talk to her and ask her to visit me in my dreams, because I feel emptiness in my heart. Then there are days, when I do better and think of all the times I was lucky just to be her mom. Grief is not the easiest on anyone. It's a matter of learning to cope in your own way. Whether it's support from family and friends, or even therapy. There is not a perfect way to deal with it.

I hope that with every year that passes, I gain more strength. I don't ever want to forget about Ann. I don't want her memories to fade. I know that deep down inside of me, they will remain alive, as long as I live.

Miss you kiddo, till we meet again someday.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Fending on my own.

I remember when the massive support from people was endless. People telling me, they would be there. People lending me a shoulder to cry on. But in then end, I have only myself. It's been difficult dealing with unpredictable things. I can go from one emotion to another. Yet, I deal with it by myself. It's not the same as having someone there who you can tell everything to, who can help you relief some stress. All I do is sit and think of what the future may hold. It is clearly uncertain, but its scary. One of the things that has hurt me the most is losing my friend Eric as my support system. When Ann was diagnosed and in the hospital, he was not very involved in caring and knowing about the things that were going on. If anything he went to visit a few times and that was it. But once she was out of the hospital he sought more interest into her diagnose and the whole clinical aspect of it. He was even kind enough to do a bit a research to see if there was a possibility out there to buy her time

Another draft blog from 3/1/11. Maybe I don't know how to click the publish button?? But now I do, via a lap top :)

Dear Ann

My little fighter. No other person in this world knows how proud I am of you. You are brave. You give me hope, when I thought no hope existed. You give me life to keep going. You give me strength to fight for you another day. When my world has turned upside, you have been there to provide me comfort. It's hard to see you like this, its hard to know that a tumor has taken the real you away from me. But you are fighting this, you are beating the odds. This journey has been hard. Its no walk in the park. But what would I give to see you run around, and laugh and act like any ordinary 4 year old. This tumor has you prisoner. And even in your toughest of days you manage to give me a kiss, to let me know that you still love me

This blog was left in my drafts from January 11, 2011. Times have changed, but the words still remain so true. My sweet child, my sweet angel how I miss you...

Hello old friend...

Have you ever wondered about the whereabouts of an old flame? Where are they? What are doing with their life? Who are they seeing? What's new? I sometimes wonder that too. I try not to dwell on the old, as I am trying to move forward with the new, and with my life in general. It's been a few rough years.

The most random thing occured last Wednesday night. Someone from the past decided to say hello. It was awkward, it was strange, it was out of the blue. You know how you go a while without hearing from someone and you don't question it, you just go on about your life. Well this one kinda just felt like a shock. As my nightly routine of blasting music through my headphones, my phone lights up with a txt msg. Blast. You kinda wonder what goes on through someone's head to contact you so suddenly?! What if this can potentially lead into some talk, that might bring up feelings. Those kind you hide and put away. Those ones you got rid of. The crazy ex gf/bf thoughts erupt.

Enough of that. Sometimes it's nice to hear from someone. Particularly when they want to check on you, to see if you are simply OK. Lets face it, life hasn't dealt me the easiest cards thus far. So it was nice for this person to reach out and care. Even if its a silly txt msg, it's nice to know they care somehow. So be a pal, and simply txt someone you care about and give them a hello. In this modern day and age, a text msg is the simplest form of communication. You aren't dragging a pen and paper to write up something. Keep it simple and nice, and just say hello!

5/27/12 another blog from the draft archives...

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The School Days I'll Never Know

Back to school. Kids dressed in new clothes, sporting out their new shoes, and their awesome new school supplies. The time of year where parents get some relief, and we all await for fall to arrive.

The other day as I was driving around my old elementary school, I thought to myself how would my daughter be? How she would dress? How excited she would be to start school? Who would her friends be? So many questions, yet there will be no answers. And as I drove by my old elementary school, I made way to the cemetery for my daily Ann visit.

My vision of her while I was driving put a smile on my face. Her hair would have been shoulder length. Straight, and thick dark brown hair. She was wearing a pink glittery headband. Oddly enough, I pictured her wearing a school uniform. White polo, navy blue shorts and her purple vans. Her large pink bag too. Just standing there, smiling, as if she was anxious to arrive at school.  The happy Ann that I always knew. My kiddo.

Seeing various family members, friends and acquaintances post pictures of their kids first day of school brought this out of me. Things that I could not do with my Ann. She only got to enjoy pre-school. But in my mind, I imagine her being a smart girl, because she was indeed a smart girl. What kind of child would remember her medications and hospital i.d number? Only my little one. Beyond that her intelligence was amazing.

But life took its course. That tumor took its course. It took the best thing in my life away from me. Simple. Memories is all I have. I envy all of those parents getting their kids ready for school. I really do. I can imagine myself going out and buying her so many things, waking up early, prepping her clothes, making breakfast, and doing the morning rush to get her in school in time. Yeah, I totally envy all of that.

So happy school year to you parents who get to enjoy the open houses, the grade cards, the student of the month awards, and most importantly you get to enjoy your children.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

These wounds won't heal...

Laying in a puddle of tears.

Today I was reminded by my mother, that Ann's 2 year passing anniversary is in a month. A day I would like to forget. A day I was dreading, since her final diagnose was given.

Today, I tried to avoid the sadness at all costs. Then, Elton John's Candle in the Wind song came on at work. The memories flooded like a river. In that instant, I was reminded once again, that I had lost my only child. My precious and innocent daughter, to some terminal brain tumor.

I still can get a grip of the situation. I think to myself, when will the pain go away? It probably never will. There is not one single day that I don't think of her. Recently, I started thinking how she would be today. The things she would tell me. The friends she would have. Her unique sense of fashion, only she created. What would my daughter be like?

All I have are those memories. The endless hospital memories during her last year of life, that seem to haunt me from time to time. I don't want to remember those times. I want to remember the wonderful memories that we created, yet I can't.

I am not at rest. I have yet to put her clothes away from her drawers. I have yet to move her toys. I have yet to find peace within me.

One day. That's all I tell myself, one day we will be together again.

Miss you kiddo.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Tough days with a smile...

Today I found myself happy. Woke up in a great mood and thought to myself, it's going to be a good day. Little did I know that my mood can reach a peak, and then sink to the lowest of lows.

Days like today make me realize that I am still human. That mourning is such a long process. That the feeling is still there, yet it's covered up by the events that take place in a whole day.

Today is one of those days, where I wish for Ann to be here. To tell me it's all going to be just fine. To hug me. To make me feel like the mother I was destined to be.

It's hard to fill a void. It's hard to sum up the range of emotions that I go through sometimes. Most of the time I can assure myself that I'll hang tight, push forward and just smile. Even with tears streaming down my cheeks, flooded with every memory of Ann, I push forward and continue the fight. If Ann fought bravely against that pesky brain tumor, why can't I?

Why can't I be brave just like her?