Moving on with life

It's been 3 years since Ann passed away. Back then, I thought of my life as being alone. Just fending on my own with no one by my side. Fast forward to today, I am now in a very good place in life.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, moved away from my hometown, and have a job that will be rewarding in the future (fingers crossed.) I live in beautiful Pasadena, California (home of the tournament of Roses parade.) I've got my family and friends, and most importantly my health. I call that essentials to life.

Let's just say the climb to get here was nothing easy....

Emotionally, I had to cave in and let someone in. I thought most of the time no one understood me. My grief was only MY grief. I didn't really believe in love, or the thought of ever engaging in a relationship. Relationships just sounded to complicated to me. So I pushed that to the curve since the last relationship I had ended just months before my daughter was diagnosed. Past relationships can make you really bitter, really really bitter. My emotions messed with me for a while. Grief and a breakup that I couldn't get over took a toll. I can't really say I was depressed, but I did encounter some dark days in my journey. Depression was something I was diagnosed with just a month before Ann's diagnosed. Placed on medication...blah blah blah. Medication that just felt like sedative. Impairing my thoughts, and walking like a zombie. No thanks, I would never go back to those meds again. Once she was diagnosed, all medication was stopped. Had to get myself together, but most importantly my thoughts. It was a critical time, and all focus was needed.

A crazy little thing called Love. That L word. Some love it, and some hate it. It's one of those things that us humans need. We need to feel loved by someone. The amount of love we get from family and friends is one thing, but to be loved by a certain individual is another. And so comes in the person. At first I didn't think much. We met on new years eve, he was in a hotel room that friend got and we were meeting there for the plans we had. He was sitting there drinking jack and coke and listening to music that caught my ear. I was like oh, I know this song. Finally someone listens to the same crap I do. Well, we went off to our new years eve thing, it was cool. Some NYE party with some hockey players blah blah blah. No new years kiss from someone, but her at least I had my girlfriends right? Wrong. This is how it all started.

Fast forward to now. The guy who was there sitting drinking that jack and coke and listening to the music I liked, became my boyfriend. The journey took about 6 months between talking here and there. Me being a weirdo about not going on a date with this guy, but just to have simple dinner as friends. Perhaps because I had to break down the walls. Perhaps because I was dealing with grief still. Who knows. But I let someone in. I'm not the easiest person. I am complicated. I am stubborn. I have flaws. Those flaws that I disliked about myself were not seen by this person. And like my grief, he had his own grief when our relationship began. Perhaps grief helped me, and got us together. Who knows. I thank that grief regardless, because it brought me love. It brought me him, just when I needed him the most.

Love may be this mushy feeling that makes us go crazy, but at the same time it brings you sanity and a breath of fresh air. Sometimes this feeling goes on for the rest of our lives. Sometimes it fades away. Love. When you find it, hold on to it.


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