I wish every April 13th never existed. Today is the 4th anniversary of Ann's passing. I can say that as the years pass, the pain has subsided a bit. I've become stronger, and I've accepted the events of that day. Sometimes I think to myself, how did I make it pass that day?
It was a day where fear invaded my body. Where death was so close to me. When I became numb. I recall the doctor telling "I'm sorry," as I stood outside of her room. Then walking into Ann's hospital room and wanting everyone to leave me alone with her. I cried. I didn't exactly know how to say goodbye at that moment. I don't think that as of today, I really never said goodbye. I just held her hand as the tears came down my face.
Her last few days with us, was hard for me. I could not accept the situation. I thought there was hope. Sometimes science can only provide you with temporary hope, but not answers or solutions. The first year without her was one of the toughest for me. I felt lonely, and was just trying to get by without her was tough. The second year was slightly better. The third I matured and I accepted that I am ok. I will be ok. And now here we are on the 4th year. Past tears and sadness. Every year is a milestone for me. It's a learning process and a healing one too.
There are days when I talk to her and ask her to visit me in my dreams, because I feel emptiness in my heart. Then there are days, when I do better and think of all the times I was lucky just to be her mom. Grief is not the easiest on anyone. It's a matter of learning to cope in your own way. Whether it's support from family and friends, or even therapy. There is not a perfect way to deal with it.
I hope that with every year that passes, I gain more strength. I don't ever want to forget about Ann. I don't want her memories to fade. I know that deep down inside of me, they will remain alive, as long as I live.
Miss you kiddo, till we meet again someday.