Ambitions and Sacrifices

Remember when you were young and they always asked you "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be a many of everything. My mom expected me to excel in everything, to become something, because she sacrificed so much coming to this country. As a child I did superb in school. Student of the month, awards, and all that jazz. It wasn't till high school, where I hit the lowest of lows. I stopped caring about my education for a bit, and it affected me towards my senior year, but I did manage to graduate. I was pretty envious of those who had applied to all these universities. I sat there thinking, that could of been me if I didn't mess up so much. It was rather frustrating because I felt I let my parents down. They had so many expectations for me, and I failed. 

After high school I got a part time job and enrolled in a community college part time. That's when it started to hit me.....this is the real world. This is adult life. I had to be in charge of my future. So I did (or at least that was my intention) Working was stressful, and school on the side was hard to maintain. I thought community college would be a walk in the park, but it was one of the biggest adventures I embarked. The work load was pretty overwhelming. I had a writing class and we had to keep a journal about stories we had read....sounds easy right? NO! The journal had to be some kind of spiral notebook, with the thinnest of lines and your writing had to be miniscule. That class was one of my most hated classes. The writing process in that class was pretty pointless in my class. So much for that grade my professor website, who praised this professor, and I just detested her! Aside from that I took, speech, psychology and a required computed class. Fun stuff. I must say I enjoyed it. Then after the semester ended, I decided to go to a closer college by home. I've pretty much gone to 3 colleges, and so far I haven't accomplished anything. This is the explanation process. In the midst of changing schools, I had Ann. Now....trying to juggle a child, work and school, that's where life got pretty hectic. I really tried doing the school thing even part time, but something mothers do is worry about their child. I couldn't completely focus on school, and even though I kept telling myself, this is for my future, this is for our future, I couldn't focus. So I left school. Its been an on again off again process. I feel like I am letting myself down, Ann, and my parents. Having Ann was something that wasn't really planned, it just happened. Within all of this, there is no such things as regrets. I do not regret having her. I do not regret leaving school on and off to work and focus as a mother. Its something like a learning process. If it takes me years to finish a career so be it. Now to the beginning sentence. What did I want to be when I grew up. Initially as a child in elementary and almost up to high school, I wanted to be a lawyer. I told myself that I liked to argue. HA! Argue me? Really? I think the whole lawyer thing came about watching the whole OJ Simpson trial. I guess those things do have affect on you growing up. By high school, that dream kinda faded. Then I thought to myself, maybe I can do architecture, or become a teacher. Currently, I do and do not know what I want as a career. Music has been one of my ultimate passions. I wouldn't mind working in the music industry, but it seems to be evolving at the moment and it seems a bit competitive. Then again, what career isn't competitive. After Ann's diagnose, I thought to myself, well what if I can become a Dr., what if I can find the cure to her tumor in my life time. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life going to school, and searching for the unanswered questions I have today. So much to think of. Essentially, my mom wants me to go into the nursing field. She thinks I can do it. But what holds me back from being a nurse, is seeing them take care of Ann. I know for them it can be hard once they attach themselves to a patient. It takes a lot to be a nurse emotionally. Its such a hard job. I praise them for all they do. Still, I am indecisive as what career path I want to choose. First and foremost, my focus and all my attention is Ann. I even left my job to be with her full time. Economically, I am struggling, and my mother has been the one who has helped me. Its hard knowing I can't work to support myself and pay my bills. This is an ultimate sacrifice I decided to take on. Ann's dad never really stopped his way of life. Only when she was initially diagnosed, he left his job and school for a few months, but now he is still working and going to school. I have been the one who had to rearrange my life. Nothing, and absolutely nothing has come before Ann. Life is no walk in the park. I know in the future, the time will come, I will eventually be successful, and will make Ann and my parents proud. This is all a learning process, and I just have to take what I am given.