Chapter: Life, and the aftermath of it all

It's now a little over a month since I wrote or posted anything. The title to the post says it all. Aftermath. What has my life been post the aftermath of it all? It's been nothing but a composition of sadness, and questions of why things occurred.  A year ago I found myself at childrens hospital with Ann, trying to be there during her first round of radiation and chemotherapy. Trying to soothe my child during a time of confusion and change. Now I find myself alone. I go out alone. I drive around alone. I visit her grave alone. I eat alone. ALONE. Now you may think, that I have no support system or anything like that, but there are things that I do alone, because there is no one there for me. I can blame this on myself as well, because I have the tendancy to shut myself down, when people are there to support me. Its like a numbing feeling you get and you just dont want to talk or see anyone because its painful. I visit my daughters grave daily, since its located in my town. I go visit her and think the majority of the time I am there. I try tracing steps back as to where I may have gone wrong as a mother. Why did this occur to my child. Why couldn't I switch my life with hers. How did this tumor surface. Why can't I hold her in that instant. How much I want to hear her voice. How much I just miss her. There are no words I can put together that can bring me some peace. Its so many things that I can't stop thinking of. Its rough. I have yet to go through Ann's clothes and put them away. Her toys, her nail polishes, he pillows, her blankets, her things in general remain intact. Its difficult to cope with it. In the back of my mind,  I think to myself that she is still here, and she is visiting her dad, so she'll be back soon. But reality strikes every time I go visit her. Its a surreal feeling, like living in some kind of a dream. I can't begin to comprehend it all. There is so much I've dealt with in the past months, that I wish it were all a blur, but my head sucks it in and I can recall everything. Nothing escapes my mind, not even the mere thought of waking up daily and not having Ann next to me. Its easy to hear people tell you that its going to be fine, that you are a strong person, that life will get better as time goes by, and that time will heal this wound. I know words can be encouraging, but when it comes down to it, no words can ever make me feel better for the time being. I believe that its still all too fresh, that the wound is very much open. At one point I had to be the better person and be a support system for my mother and brother. As devastated as they were I had to be the one to help them out, when they should have been the ones trying to support me. Its hard for some people to cope, and others have to step in and put things into perspective. My current life status: unknown. I aspire many things for my future, but I feel like I am standing in an unknown zone. I decided to return to work in order to get my mind away from things, but a few days in and its not helping. I want to go places and escape this city for a little to see if that might help, but I get discouraged and feel guilt because I don't want to miss a day without visiting my Ann. Its my way to grieve daily. It hurts. The pain is there, and although it may not be visible to some, deep down inside lives a broken hearted mother, who is losing the will to live. So the aftermath of it all is as so. There is a lot to comprehend, there is a lot of work for this broken heart to mend.


Wish I could write more, but words fail me.