Hope, and a funeral.

Last week, laying in bed sick the vast majority of the week gave me time to get a few thoughts together on life, and the events that had taken over a few days prior. My Ann, my strong Ann was given a light of hope in her last MRI which revealed that her tumor is still shrinking a bit, and now there is some necrosis. Now going from hospice, to a new light of hope is hard to cope with. Sometimes it has to do with the emotional aspect of it. Here, I was preparing myself for the worse and could not get my head around it. As difficult and severe the situation was, I kept putting my emotions on hold, and focused solemnly to Ann. A tear here in there was a way of releasing that much needed pressure built inside. Over the last few months, I have seen my Ann go downhill, then suddenly improving in many ways. The diagnose has been one tough thing to deal with, but seeing her lose many abilities has been a harder task. Seeing how she has the will to fight this gave me hope that there is something working in there, that perhaps that stubborn tumor could disappear or something. The statistics for this diagnose are not favoring what so ever, but what if she can be the one who beats the odds. Upon being diagnosed in May 2010, she was beating the odds already, so why not continue with the trend, in hopes to find a cure. So now we have begun our 3 round of chemo, in hopes of buying us more time, but more importantly to me, if it can buy me a lifetime with my only child. Thats all I ask for.

And with that light of hope, I was deeply sadden to receive the news later that week about my first boss Jorge, who lost his battle to cancer. It was something that really hit me. I am no fan of death at the moment, as I fear it so much given my situation. I can remember when he was diagnosed, and we had a farewell potluck for him, how optimistic this man was. How he promised that he would get better and would return to work soon. Little did anyone know the severity of it, and how cancer decided to make its way into other vital organs. This mans outlook on life was about traveling and seeing the world. One memory that has stuck with me was when he drove to Vancouver. He bragged on how magnificent this city was, and the how everything was just so beautiful. Then it hits me, Vancouver equals the Canucks (NHL team) which so happens to be my favorite team. I guess one thing I can remember him by is by thinking about Vancouver. I will hold that memory deeply, and when I cheer for the Canucks, I know I'll be cheering for a great man who has earned his wings in heaven. 

As difficult it was for me to attend his services, it hits me. How can people manage to live knowing someone they love so much has parted? I couldn't help the endless tears coming down my eyes. I felt their pain. My friend lost her father, and I lost a good friend. I can't even cope with the majority of the things I am dealing with at the moment, but I pushed forward for her. Every day that I hear her laugh, is a blessing. Every day she manages to speak a few words is a blessing. I guess I have been counting my blessings, and for that I am very fortunate.