Dear Ann

It has been a while since I decided to write and let everything out. But that while was my silence and pain. My Ann loss her battle with her cancerous brain tumor on April 13th. One of the most difficult days of my life. Its no easy task seeing your daughter talk and go out one day, then having seizures and in a hospital bed for the remaining days of her life. Its difficult dealing with the aftermath of it all. Arrangements to be made, and having family be there for you, when all I want to do is cry. My solitude gets the best of me now. I share my pain on my own. I have no significant other who can hold me or be a shoulder to lean on when I have to cry. I spend my time crying alone. This is one of the biggest pains I have encountered first hand. Ann almost reached her 1yr diagnose anniversary on April 30th. She looked forward to her 5th birthday too. All of these things hurt the most. Its difficult to focus on living when all I want is for her to be with me, to wake up and tell her "good morning nanner" and kiss her forehead. This was all so sudden. Every fiber in me wants to die. I try to stay distracted by going out, but at the end of the day when I am alone, it hits me. I cant see her things or be in a room we shared because Ann is not there. So many emotions I can't explain when it comes to grief. My parents try to provide me with some comfort, but all I want to do is be alone and deal with it. My Ann is an angel, and as much as people tell me she is with me, reality is she is not. I think of this situation differently, but perhaps its just part of my grieving stages I will encounter. One of the most definite things I do not want to know of from now on is holidays (hence today being easter.) I decided, I wont celebrate anything anymore, as my reason for living is not here to be with me to share them. So this is it. The post is dedicated to my Ann, although she can't see the pain I live with daily, she is probably somewhere up there telling me not to cry.