Chemo & Hope

March, 4 months after given the word hospice. The world has changed. The plans have changed and the optimism still exists. My Ann has started chemotherapy for the 3rd time now. It is oral, but regardless, it is chemotherapy. She has tolerated it well, but she had one major issue, dealing with hair loss. As a mother, we like to keep our children happy, but when something like hair loss comes along, you know you deal with various emotions. 
The first time we dealt with her hair loss, Ann took is very well as she was more alert and mobile. This time she is not mobile, but is still alert of her surroundings and what goes on. 3 weeks into the 3rd round of chemo, she began to lose her hair. Day 1, was a few locks of hair, Day 2 a much more increase in hair loss, and by Day 3, plenty of hair coming out. We had to have a slight intervention on day 3, and had to explain the hair falling process once more. Took a picture with the camera and showed her the back of her head, and explained to her once again her hair is falling. One of the most heart breaking moments I have encountered, as Ann began to cry uncontrollably. I held her in my arms and explained to her it would grow back, it would grow back. Ann refused to listen, and as I held her for 45 minutes in my arms, my heart broke with every tear and with every why of my 4yr old. 
I can say that her whole 4th year living has been one of the most hardest for her and I. You expect a 4 year old, running, jumping, laughing and in pre-school. For Ann, it was the most life changing year of her little life. She went from a happy child finishing her 1st round of chemotherapy around her 4th birthday, to not being mobile, or talking at one point. So much change to endure for such a young child. My head running with so many emotions. If I find this difficult to go through, imagine her? My innocent child suffering so much, while I feel like a coward, not being able to feel her pain or emotions. But I am amazed how she doesn't give up. 
Today was a day that gave me a lot of hope. We had a scheduled appointment to get her evaluated for physical and occupational therapy once again. This morning while getting ready, she asked where were we going, and I let her know we were going to the gym class (as we usually called it) I have not seen Ann with such a happy emotion and will to get out of the house. She said yippee and managed to high five me with all her might. She was excited. Now this is a 4yr old who now isn't able to walk, nor sit up on her own. She requires lots of assistance. She can only move her right hand and wiggle her right toes, and her head. Aside from that, she can not mobilize the rest of her body. But this kid is just amazing. She tries eating on her own, and still tries to color or paint. Her sense of humor is still the same. She loves to laugh. A day without a laugh, just calls for a bad day for Ann. So many changes to take in, yet I manage to know her daily moods. It's a lot to take in, yes, but I rather help my child as much as I can to keep her happy, then anything else. I am her mother, who is solemnly dedicated to her and all her needs.
So back to the word of March. What does March mean to us? Well it means a lot. We started chemo, and we will have another MRI, come the end of this month to check the status of the tumor. We have not given up the fight. We are here and we are here for the long run. Next month we will celebrate 1 year of her diagnose. We hope to plan something special with our family, like an outing to Disneyland. She is still a child, and we don't want to deprive her of the amazing world that is out there. She deserves so much, and if the helping charities we contact help her, we would be forever grateful. So keep in mind, help a charity, because you never know what child you will put a smile on.