You Win Some, You Lose Some

The Estranged Relationship

2012-02-27T23:58:00.001-08:00

The title is pretty self explanatory, but first I must give out the details. It's been obvious that I've had a hard time dealing with the passing of Ann. Her father and I did all the arrangements together and we were amicable throughout it all. Ann lived a life traveling back and forth from my house, to her dads house. This was the situation since she was 4 months old. How this all occurred will come to light one day, but for now I will leave it at that. Any whom, both of us were at her bedside till the day she passed away. So we had worked and talked about arrangements as early as we begun hospice care for Ann. After her services we seemed to still have a cordial relationship. We would communicate of anything Ann related would come up. But that soon seemed to change. One day I made a snarky remark about him having to cash in and care so much about Ann's life insurance, instead of mourning her passing. By May, probably a month after Ann's passing we were like two strangers. Our method of communication was his mother.
Regardless of this, I've learned to maintain a cordial and very warm relationship with his parents and other siblings.
Ann's father and I no longer speak. It's a shame and it's something that really bugs me. I tried to apologize and take the high road by expressing myself, yet that wasn't suffice. I was even kind enough to give him a fathers day card, and it was left at my child's resting place, yet nothing.
We are now complete strangers. As if we are water and oil. Two strangers who pretty much have nothing in common. It pains me to see things this way, and I try no to question this further. But how can two persons who were once linked by the most wonderful child end this way? It makes no sense. I miss how we could talk about Ann and the silly things that she would say or do.
Truth is, not all is peachy keen in the end. Two persons who lost the most precious thing in the world, lost something more in the end, a friendship with the memories who only both can share so close.

Hope in the New Year

2012-01-11T20:35:00.001-08:00

It's been 8 months since Ann passed away. Trying to make sense of life sans Ann is a bit hard. I try to maintain distracted by going out, or hanging with family and friends. It's tough. The holidays came and went, and now the start of a new year awaits. Plans, a change of life, a change of pace.

Here is to another year of life. Among the endless tears I have cried, I will strive to make it a bit better, but with always keeping my Ann is mind.

A Lonely Birthday...

2011-09-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

"Dear Ann. I wish for you to outlive me. I wish to celebrate more of my birthdays together. I wish for this curse to go away. I love you :( "

This was my post last year via facebook. The day of my birthday last year I found myself taking my Ann to a chemo treatment. That's how we spent the majority of the day. Last year I kept thinking to myself, what if that was the last birthday I was going to celebrate with her? And it was.

Its been a difficult week this past week. I've been having difficulties dealing with the sadness that my birthday brings. Last year I was with Ann, and I remember her telling me happy birthday all day. She was the only person who made me feel special on that day. She would squeeze me with every fiber in her and let the world know it was my birthday. And now a year later I find myself alone sharing these thoughts.

Losing her has been one of the toughest things I've had trouble coping with. It is hard to wrap your head around something of that magnitude, specially if its your only child. Some days I don't have the will to get up and live. To continue my life and deal with it one day at a time. I feel so empty and hallow, and the void is just too big. Not sure how time heals wounds, but one thing is for certain is that time is making the wound bigger. As time goes on I find myself celebrating a firsts of many. They phase me completely. There is never a day that I don't feel the emptiness inside.

Today being my birthday, the pain seeps a little deeper. Its one of those days I wanted to avoid, because the effect of it just kills me.

Dear Ann, I miss you more than ever today. This day means absolutely nothing without you. I love you.

(the picture above is Ann and I celebrating my birthday, post chemo treatment)

June 17th, 2011, Ann's 5th birthday

2011-06-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

My sweet Ann. She looked forward to her 5th birthday so much. Although in her fragile state, she would always gather the strength to show everyone with her tiny little fingers that she was going to turn 5. You would ask her how old she was and she would show you 4 fingers, but immediately she would put all 5 fingers up. As her birthday approached this year, the immense pain hit me like millions of daggers to the heart. I spent all day with Ann, at the cemetery this year. I sat there crying and holding a picture of her. It was by far another hard day in my life, one of the toughest. Instead of having a typical birthday party with my Ann, I found myself decorating her resting place with things she loved. Close family and friends came by and brought flowers and things she loved. We decorated it as if we were having a party. A party for two, just me and Ann most of the day. As the sun was coming down, our close family and friends came and we all sang her happy birthday. As they began to sing, I developed the biggest knot in my throat and the words to the song just wouldn't come out. It was as if the pain sunk deeper and deeper and they kept singing. It hurt more than words can express. The big void that she has left in me is hard to understand. As humans we're accustomed for our elders to pass away, but never ever a child. There is not a day that goes by that Ann is in my thought. So if you have a child, make sure you cherish those moments, and I mean CHERISH. It brings me some comfort to know that she is no longer a prisoner of her malignant brain tumor, but it kills me everyday not to have her by my side.

"Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!" One of Ann's favorite songs

2011-06-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

"Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!" I would always hear Ann singing at the top of her lungs repeating those words when she would sing this song in the car. Little habit she developed while riding in the car was to request her favorite songs, among them, this was one of her favorites. I love the lyrics, minus the curse word. Luckily Ann never caught on to curse words, just silly repetitive lyrics would make her happy. Enjoy!

Nico Vega - Gravity

Chapter: Life, and the aftermath of it all

2011-06-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

It's now a little over a month since I wrote or posted anything. The title to the post says it all. Aftermath. What has my life been post the aftermath of it all? It's been nothing but a composition of sadness, and questions of why things occurred. A year ago I found myself at childrens hospital with Ann, trying to be there during her first round of radiation and chemotherapy. Trying to soothe my child during a time of confusion and change. Now I find myself alone. I go out alone. I drive around alone. I visit her grave alone. I eat alone. ALONE. Now you may think, that I have no support system or anything like that, but there are things that I do alone, because there is no one there for me. I can blame this on myself as well, because I have the tendancy to shut myself down, when people are there to support me. Its like a numbing feeling you get and you just dont want to talk or see anyone because its painful. I visit my daughters grave daily, since its located in my town. I go visit her and think the majority of the time I am there. I try tracing steps back as to where I may have gone wrong as a mother. Why did this occur to my child. Why couldn't I switch my life with hers. How did this tumor surface. Why can't I hold her in that instant. How much I want to hear her voice. How much I just miss her. There are no words I can put together that can bring me some peace. Its so many things that I can't stop thinking of. Its rough. I have yet to go through Ann's clothes and put them away. Her toys, her nail polishes, he pillows, her blankets, her things in general remain intact. Its difficult to cope with it. In the back of my mind, I think to myself that she is still here, and she is visiting her dad, so she'll be back soon. But reality strikes every time I go visit her. Its a surreal feeling, like living in some kind of a dream. I can't begin to comprehend it all. There is so much I've dealt with in the past months, that I wish it were all a blur, but my head sucks it in and I can recall everything. Nothing escapes my mind, not even the mere thought of waking up daily and not having Ann next to me. Its easy to hear people tell you that its going to be fine, that you are a strong person, that life will get better as time goes by, and that time will heal this wound. I know words can be encouraging, but when it comes down to it, no words can ever make me feel better for the time being. I believe that its still all too fresh, that the wound is very much open. At one point I had to be the better person and be a support system for my mother and brother. As devastated as they were I had to be the one to help them out, when they should have been the ones trying to support me. Its hard for some people to cope, and others have to step in and put things into perspective. My current life status: unknown. I aspire many things for my future, but I feel like I am standing in an unknown zone. I decided to return to work in order to get my mind away from things, but a few days in and its not helping. I want to go places and escape this city for a little to see if that might help, but I get discouraged and feel guilt because I don't want to miss a day without visiting my Ann. Its my way to grieve daily. It hurts. The pain is there, and although it may not be visible to some, deep down inside lives a broken hearted mother, who is losing the will to live. So the aftermath of it all is as so. There is a lot to comprehend, there is a lot of work for this broken heart to mend.

Wish I could write more, but words fail me.

Information on Ann's services

2011-04-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

Memorial Services for

Ann Marie Ambrosio-Cerna

Catholic Church service (in Spanish) will take place on:

Thursday April 28^th, 2011 at 5:00pm

At Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church

8545 S. Norwalk Blvd., Whittier (Los Nietos) CA 90606

Celebration of Life service will take place on:

Friday April 29^th, 2011 at 11:00am

At Whittier Area Community Church

8100 Colima Rd, Whittier Ca 90605

*Private Burial proceeding celebration of life at Rose Hills Memorial Park

In lieu of flowers, we ask for a donation of a new unwrapped children’s toy, which will go directly to CHLA patients, or a small monetary donation that will go towards childhood cancer research.

Purple attire in honor of Ann’s favorite color

Dear Ann

2011-04-24T19:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I decided to write and let everything out. But that while was my silence and pain. My Ann loss her battle with her cancerous brain tumor on April 13th. One of the most difficult days of my life. Its no easy task seeing your daughter talk and go out one day, then having seizures and in a hospital bed for the remaining days of her life. Its difficult dealing with the aftermath of it all. Arrangements to be made, and having family be there for you, when all I want to do is cry. My solitude gets the best of me now. I share my pain on my own. I have no significant other who can hold me or be a shoulder to lean on when I have to cry. I spend my time crying alone. This is one of the biggest pains I have encountered first hand. Ann almost reached her 1yr diagnose anniversary on April 30th. She looked forward to her 5th birthday too. All of these things hurt the most. Its difficult to focus on living when all I want is for her to be with me, to wake up and tell her "good morning nanner" and kiss her forehead. This was all so sudden. Every fiber in me wants to die. I try to stay distracted by going out, but at the end of the day when I am alone, it hits me. I cant see her things or be in a room we shared because Ann is not there. So many emotions I can't explain when it comes to grief. My parents try to provide me with some comfort, but all I want to do is be alone and deal with it. My Ann is an angel, and as much as people tell me she is with me, reality is she is not. I think of this situation differently, but perhaps its just part of my grieving stages I will encounter. One of the most definite things I do not want to know of from now on is holidays (hence today being easter.) I decided, I wont celebrate anything anymore, as my reason for living is not here to be with me to share them. So this is it. The post is dedicated to my Ann, although she can't see the pain I live with daily, she is probably somewhere up there telling me not to cry.

Chemo & Hope

2011-03-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

March, 4 months after given the word hospice. The world has changed. The plans have changed and the optimism still exists. My Ann has started chemotherapy for the 3rd time now. It is oral, but regardless, it is chemotherapy. She has tolerated it well, but she had one major issue, dealing with hair loss. As a mother, we like to keep our children happy, but when something like hair loss comes along, you know you deal with various emotions.
The first time we dealt with her hair loss, Ann took is very well as she was more alert and mobile. This time she is not mobile, but is still alert of her surroundings and what goes on. 3 weeks into the 3rd round of chemo, she began to lose her hair. Day 1, was a few locks of hair, Day 2 a much more increase in hair loss, and by Day 3, plenty of hair coming out. We had to have a slight intervention on day 3, and had to explain the hair falling process once more. Took a picture with the camera and showed her the back of her head, and explained to her once again her hair is falling. One of the most heart breaking moments I have encountered, as Ann began to cry uncontrollably. I held her in my arms and explained to her it would grow back, it would grow back. Ann refused to listen, and as I held her for 45 minutes in my arms, my heart broke with every tear and with every why of my 4yr old.
I can say that her whole 4th year living has been one of the most hardest for her and I. You expect a 4 year old, running, jumping, laughing and in pre-school. For Ann, it was the most life changing year of her little life. She went from a happy child finishing her 1st round of chemotherapy around her 4th birthday, to not being mobile, or talking at one point. So much change to endure for such a young child. My head running with so many emotions. If I find this difficult to go through, imagine her? My innocent child suffering so much, while I feel like a coward, not being able to feel her pain or emotions. But I am amazed how she doesn't give up.
Today was a day that gave me a lot of hope. We had a scheduled appointment to get her evaluated for physical and occupational therapy once again. This morning while getting ready, she asked where were we going, and I let her know we were going to the gym class (as we usually called it) I have not seen Ann with such a happy emotion and will to get out of the house. She said yippee and managed to high five me with all her might. She was excited. Now this is a 4yr old who now isn't able to walk, nor sit up on her own. She requires lots of assistance. She can only move her right hand and wiggle her right toes, and her head. Aside from that, she can not mobilize the rest of her body. But this kid is just amazing. She tries eating on her own, and still tries to color or paint. Her sense of humor is still the same. She loves to laugh. A day without a laugh, just calls for a bad day for Ann. So many changes to take in, yet I manage to know her daily moods. It's a lot to take in, yes, but I rather help my child as much as I can to keep her happy, then anything else. I am her mother, who is solemnly dedicated to her and all her needs.
So back to the word of March. What does March mean to us? Well it means a lot. We started chemo, and we will have another MRI, come the end of this month to check the status of the tumor. We have not given up the fight. We are here and we are here for the long run. Next month we will celebrate 1 year of her diagnose. We hope to plan something special with our family, like an outing to Disneyland. She is still a child, and we don't want to deprive her of the amazing world that is out there. She deserves so much, and if the helping charities we contact help her, we would be forever grateful. So keep in mind, help a charity, because you never know what child you will put a smile on.

Hope, and a funeral.

2011-02-14T21:48:00.000-08:00

Last week, laying in bed sick the vast majority of the week gave me time to get a few thoughts together on life, and the events that had taken over a few days prior. My Ann, my strong Ann was given a light of hope in her last MRI which revealed that her tumor is still shrinking a bit, and now there is some necrosis. Now going from hospice, to a new light of hope is hard to cope with. Sometimes it has to do with the emotional aspect of it. Here, I was preparing myself for the worse and could not get my head around it. As difficult and severe the situation was, I kept putting my emotions on hold, and focused solemnly to Ann. A tear here in there was a way of releasing that much needed pressure built inside. Over the last few months, I have seen my Ann go downhill, then suddenly improving in many ways. The diagnose has been one tough thing to deal with, but seeing her lose many abilities has been a harder task. Seeing how she has the will to fight this gave me hope that there is something working in there, that perhaps that stubborn tumor could disappear or something. The statistics for this diagnose are not favoring what so ever, but what if she can be the one who beats the odds. Upon being diagnosed in May 2010, she was beating the odds already, so why not continue with the trend, in hopes to find a cure. So now we have begun our 3 round of chemo, in hopes of buying us more time, but more importantly to me, if it can buy me a lifetime with my only child. Thats all I ask for.

And with that light of hope, I was deeply sadden to receive the news later that week about my first boss Jorge, who lost his battle to cancer. It was something that really hit me. I am no fan of death at the moment, as I fear it so much given my situation. I can remember when he was diagnosed, and we had a farewell potluck for him, how optimistic this man was. How he promised that he would get better and would return to work soon. Little did anyone know the severity of it, and how cancer decided to make its way into other vital organs. This mans outlook on life was about traveling and seeing the world. One memory that has stuck with me was when he drove to Vancouver. He bragged on how magnificent this city was, and the how everything was just so beautiful. Then it hits me, Vancouver equals the Canucks (NHL team) which so happens to be my favorite team. I guess one thing I can remember him by is by thinking about Vancouver. I will hold that memory deeply, and when I cheer for the Canucks, I know I'll be cheering for a great man who has earned his wings in heaven.

As difficult it was for me to attend his services, it hits me. How can people manage to live knowing someone they love so much has parted? I couldn't help the endless tears coming down my eyes. I felt their pain. My friend lost her father, and I lost a good friend. I can't even cope with the majority of the things I am dealing with at the moment, but I pushed forward for her. Every day that I hear her laugh, is a blessing. Every day she manages to speak a few words is a blessing. I guess I have been counting my blessings, and for that I am very fortunate.

Therapy dogs and endless smiles.

2011-01-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest things Ann and I have in common is the love of animals. She is a very savvy little 4 year old who knows about animals, and can correct you about them too. But with the love of animals comes something greater, therapy. When Ann was hospitalized the first time last April, she had a difficult time adjusting to an environment without her dogs. Her dogs are like her friends (or as I call them her fury little siblings.) Being an only child has proven to be a little difficult for Ann because she has nobody else to play with. This is where our dogs come into play. Ann as curious as she has always has been, would always be by the back door of the house looking outside at the dogs. As she grew a bit taller, she decided she would play with the dogs, even if this meant for her getting full of mud, or occasionally dipping one of our chihuahuas in a bucket of water. She would carry them as her children (only the 2 small ones.) Lucky for us, none of our 6 dogs are bad tempered or fighters. They are very trust worthy and wouldn't harm a fly. Ann would sit on top of our lab and pit-bull mix, and they wouldn't mind it at all. These dogs have been very kind and patient with Ann. So many stories to tell about dogs, with so much impact on a little girl. So back to the first hospitalization. Ann would cry endless amount of tears because she wanted to go home with her dogs. She would cry and say she missed her dogs. Her dogs are her world. Our first hospitalization lasted 6 weeks and a half. One day, during her first week of hospitalization a special friend came by. A beautiful bernese mountain dog made an appearance at our room. Ann was thrilled and was laughing. She caressed the dog and hugged it like it was her own. Across our long stay at the hospital we had a few dogs visit us: golden retriever, australian sheepdog, lhasa apso, labrador retriever, great pyrenees, and couple of others. Those visits made Ann feel much more better. We even had printed pictures of our dogs near the wall by her bed. But the day that she felt happiest was the day she was finally out of the hospital. She came home and immediately ran to the back door to see her dogs, the dogs she cried lots of tears for, the dogs who she would ask for, the dogs she would mention to everyone at the hospital. Those dogs, who are the ones that bring her laughter. Now that Ann is immobile, she still gets to see her dogs. She likes to ride in her wheelchair to the back door and see them. She manages to give them treats, and they manage to jump up her wheelchair to lick her face. They provide her unconditional love and she provides them laughter. They have been the ones to lift her up in her toughest of days. So to those of you who have pets, remind yourselves that they give love, when love is given. They don't complain, they don't whine, they simply wag their tails and asked to be loved. They provide the therapy that a human therapist can't.

Ambitions and Sacrifices

2011-01-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were young and they always asked you "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be a many of everything. My mom expected me to excel in everything, to become something, because she sacrificed so much coming to this country. As a child I did superb in school. Student of the month, awards, and all that jazz. It wasn't till high school, where I hit the lowest of lows. I stopped caring about my education for a bit, and it affected me towards my senior year, but I did manage to graduate. I was pretty envious of those who had applied to all these universities. I sat there thinking, that could of been me if I didn't mess up so much. It was rather frustrating because I felt I let my parents down. They had so many expectations for me, and I failed. After high school I got a part time job and enrolled in a community college part time. That's when it started to hit me.....this is the real world. This is adult life. I had to be in charge of my future. So I did (or at least that was my intention) Working was stressful, and school on the side was hard to maintain. I thought community college would be a walk in the park, but it was one of the biggest adventures I embarked. The work load was pretty overwhelming. I had a writing class and we had to keep a journal about stories we had read....sounds easy right? NO! The journal had to be some kind of spiral notebook, with the thinnest of lines and your writing had to be miniscule. That class was one of my most hated classes. The writing process in that class was pretty pointless in my class. So much for that grade my professor website, who praised this professor, and I just detested her! Aside from that I took, speech, psychology and a required computed class. Fun stuff. I must say I enjoyed it. Then after the semester ended, I decided to go to a closer college by home. I've pretty much gone to 3 colleges, and so far I haven't accomplished anything. This is the explanation process. In the midst of changing schools, I had Ann. Now....trying to juggle a child, work and school, that's where life got pretty hectic. I really tried doing the school thing even part time, but something mothers do is worry about their child. I couldn't completely focus on school, and even though I kept telling myself, this is for my future, this is for our future, I couldn't focus. So I left school. Its been an on again off again process. I feel like I am letting myself down, Ann, and my parents. Having Ann was something that wasn't really planned, it just happened. Within all of this, there is no such things as regrets. I do not regret having her. I do not regret leaving school on and off to work and focus as a mother. Its something like a learning process. If it takes me years to finish a career so be it. Now to the beginning sentence. What did I want to be when I grew up. Initially as a child in elementary and almost up to high school, I wanted to be a lawyer. I told myself that I liked to argue. HA! Argue me? Really? I think the whole lawyer thing came about watching the whole OJ Simpson trial. I guess those things do have affect on you growing up. By high school, that dream kinda faded. Then I thought to myself, maybe I can do architecture, or become a teacher. Currently, I do and do not know what I want as a career. Music has been one of my ultimate passions. I wouldn't mind working in the music industry, but it seems to be evolving at the moment and it seems a bit competitive. Then again, what career isn't competitive. After Ann's diagnose, I thought to myself, well what if I can become a Dr., what if I can find the cure to her tumor in my life time. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life going to school, and searching for the unanswered questions I have today. So much to think of. Essentially, my mom wants me to go into the nursing field. She thinks I can do it. But what holds me back from being a nurse, is seeing them take care of Ann. I know for them it can be hard once they attach themselves to a patient. It takes a lot to be a nurse emotionally. Its such a hard job. I praise them for all they do. Still, I am indecisive as what career path I want to choose. First and foremost, my focus and all my attention is Ann. I even left my job to be with her full time. Economically, I am struggling, and my mother has been the one who has helped me. Its hard knowing I can't work to support myself and pay my bills. This is an ultimate sacrifice I decided to take on. Ann's dad never really stopped his way of life. Only when she was initially diagnosed, he left his job and school for a few months, but now he is still working and going to school. I have been the one who had to rearrange my life. Nothing, and absolutely nothing has come before Ann. Life is no walk in the park. I know in the future, the time will come, I will eventually be successful, and will make Ann and my parents proud. This is all a learning process, and I just have to take what I am given.

My Brother: The older bully

2011-01-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

Today I decided to write something dedicated to my brother. Appropriately since its his 27th birthday. What can I say about the boy whom I grew up with? Oh yes, he was a total punk. From stealing my saved up money as a child, to never letting me play with our sega genesis we got one christmas. This boy, and I have been something like oil and water. He was definitely the trouble maker and the one who would give my mom all those gray hairs. I think growing up there was more attention towards my brother because he was constantly in trouble. My mom never had to worry about me, I was always on top of my homework and doing projects on my own, and never asking anyone for help. I was the independent younger sister. So as you can tell, much of the focus was towards him. As a kid I don't really think I got much attention anyway. My parents separated when I was 5, and I think thats something that affected my brother. I believe not having our dad around to guide him, affected him. Therefore he ended up doing lots of bad things. He did drugs, tagged, got in trouble with the law and other stuff. Now at the age of 27, he has changed a lot. He no longer punks me around (which is a good thing) and has left all those filthy habits, and bad influences behind. It has taken him a while to grow up, but he is finally doing it. I am proud how far he is coming along. He is now holding a steady job and living with his girlfriend. He has no kids of his own yet. This is the special part of the blog....for him. My brother has been in Ann's life since day 1. He came along with me to the hospital when I had her, and was the first one who held her. He fell in love with his niece on that day. Ann is something that changed his life. Ann was his silver lining. It was his wake up call, to mature and leave all his filthy habits and life behind. My brother wasn't really the older role model I could look up to, I had to prove myself on my own. Aside from that we have 3 younger half sisters from my fathers second marriage, so I had to step in the role of becoming a role model for them. I can say now that I am proud of my brother. He is cleaning up nicely, and even though its taken some time for him to change, its a learning process for him. Just like anyone who is given a chance at life to change, they grab it by the balls and do it. Now since Ann was diagnosed with her brain tumor, my brother was devastated beyond belief. I think he has taken it pretty hard. Coping with her hospitalizations, seeing her cry or being hooked up to an IV has left a deep mark on his heart. He considers her like his own child. He worries a lot about her, and even though I am not the greatest sister to him, he is the greatest uncle for Ann. He asks questions about her diagnose, and treatment, and MRI's and such. I believe this is by far one of his hardest chapters in life as well. But I must give him credit for being my brother. Although he our sibling relationship has never been the greatest (I am saying this again) he is my brother, my blood, my Ann's uncle Jerry. So happy birthday brother. Just know that I am proud of you for overcoming so much. For being there for Ann, and making her smile in her darkest of days. I've never really told you how much you mean to me. So thank you for being there when the times get tough with mom...you have helped me out a lot with that. I love you. Happy Birthday from both of us. <3 The moral of this blog is, that people change when difficult situations arise.

A gray day, and a smile

2011-01-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

Many find gray days as depressing days. I usually find those days much more happier then normal sunny days. Why is that? Well, if you think about it....there is always a rainbow after the storm. Everything is more at peace, and green and fresh, something along the lines of a new beginning. Today seems like a new beginning. After posting one of the most thought out blogs, I came to see such an overwhelming support from strangers. Strangers who have yet to know my story and my struggles of today, and last years. I easily get overwhelmed with peoples kind words. One of the greatest possessions we hold as humans are words. They hold incredible power. I wish I could thank each and everyone of you for your kind words. I am reading each and every comment, and I haven't skipped one at all. I am telling you, this internet thing has some great power. So from the bottom of my heart, and from Ann, I would like to say thank you....Southern California has a bit of a gray weather today, and after I started to read the comments the sun seemed to shine bright. So thank you all....I will continue to read the comments now....well after I post another special blog. xx

Chapter : Friends?!?

2011-01-05T21:55:00.000-08:00

I thought about this blog a few days ago while driving. It hits me. This is the chapter in the book where I was warned that you will lose friendships, or contact with friends and such. The book I am talking about is something I received on the day we had a family conference, and where we got the exact diagnose for Ann. Its basically about brain and spine tumors. In a chapter I read something about how you may lose some friendships during the time, or may affect it in a way. I must say, yes. I've lost good contact with my co-workers and close work friends. Sometimes I think of it as space. We, as humans deserve some breathing air. At the start of the whole hospice situation with Ann, we got tons of visitors and tons of support. As usual, there are the ones that will stick with you and keep up with updates constantly, then there are the ones who check in periodically, and then there's the ones who cared at the start and no longer keep tabs. I think my friends are the ones who have kept me grounded through the whole ordeal, but now I am second guessing that. My family has been by far the greatest support. My family members (the Ambrosio's) are the ones who visit Ann, and we even have gatherings here or at their houses. I've learned to lean towards my family and their immense support. Also a couple of persons who have always, always, always asked about Ann has been Kathy Holding & Donna Holmes. Now Donna is like a mentor to me. Her daughter was diagnosed with the same tumor Ann has. Her daughter Maddie passed away a few years ago. Donna opened up her heart and arms to us. She has communicated with me through most of this journey and has not failed me. She knows what we've gone thorough, visits, chemo, radiation and knows a lot of great people at CHLA. She is a blessing. Kathy Holding was a co-worker of mine, who would still come to visit us at work and would always ask about Ann. Kathy & Donna go to the same church. So there is a link there, but they are 2 different people I met at different times in my life. Both of them are blessings. Their overwhelming support and help brings me to tears. Sometimes I ask myself how can I cope? Its hard. I don't have a significant other I can lean on and shed my tears on. I have nothing but myself. My life confident has been my cousin, whom I owe so much to. She is my age and we basically grew up together, sharing stories and secrets...and all that fun junk. She is the one I can really talk to and run to when the world has gone to shits for me. For her its tough to cope with my situation. She feels a little helpless because she just had a baby 2 months ago, and she wishes to be near me a little bit more, but its understandable. Ann is her goddaughter as well, so her heart weighs a little heavy with our situation. She was constantly there when Ann was hospitalized, and the first one who would offer anything if I were to need it. She's a toughie too, she visited Ann 24hrs prior to giving birth...scaring the crap out of me because I feared her water would burst while visiting her....kinda freaked me out, but she totally toughened it out. Never a dull moment with her. The Santos/Holguin family have also kept up with our situation via txt or twitter, they don't fail me. These are the people who are there for me and Ann...they don't abandon US! Other people who claim to be there if anything have pretty much failed me....including those who consider me their "best friend." I guess thats some kind of tag to make me feel better, but instead it disappoints. Their significant others are the ones who hold them back, and they have to run and hide everything from them. (That last couple of sentences are intended for ONE person, who knows very well) and........enough of that. The moral of this blog is, who are your true friends and support system? Even though Ann has been doing good under hospice care, it doesn't change the fact that SHE is under hospice care....and there is a clock ticking....and as much as I don't want to think about it, its something inevitable. BUT.....she is here with me, she is fighting this....and if miracles do exist, I hope I get to see her grow up.

Yester-year difficult, new year scarier

2011-01-01T15:12:00.000-08:00

That is a picture of Ann with her cousins last year at the Rose Parade. My, what a year can do :( I can't be happy about this year. Things are pretty much in the same place. Ann is still in hospice and the thought of losing her is one of the most frightening things for me. I am not optimistic that this year will get better, I think it will be a lot worse. It is hard holding your head up moving to a new year. So many falls from the previous year just hold you back. Ann has had a rough couple of days, she doesn't have much of an appetite now and has considerably increase her sleeping. She doesn't seem as comfortable as she was a few days ago. A few moments ago she removed her NG tube from her nose. I now hold the task of putting it back in again, not looking forward to it. She seems a bit more uncomfortable with her surroundings and only wants her dad. It doesn't phase me a bit she wants him more then me at the moment, but it phases her, because he works and can't spend a considerable amount of time with her. Usually when he is with her I opt to go to hockey games, because he brings his gf over and they stay with Ann. It adds a whole other level of awkwardness with me, since I can careless about them, they just clearly piss me off as human beings. The current situation with Ann is that we decided for me to stay at his house (his parents house) for the time Ann is in hospice care. Their house is bigger and her dad gets to see her more often and help out with her more. It is hard carrying a 50lb child around, to shower or move around from room to room. We take turns so to speak. I take care of Ann the majority of the time, since I dont work or anything, but she is considered my full time job. So basically a new year is simply a change of a number to a calendar. My mind is still stuck in the same situations as last year. Maybe I hope to see my silver lining in the future who knows. As for now the main course is caring for Ann. Enuff of this.....and well Happy New Year to everyone out there. Today's main event is HOCKEY! The winter classic is the most anticipated match of the season thus far, and the neater part is that they are playing it outdoors. So go Caps, and Go Kings....a happy new year to them. xx

Rain scares the sugar babies

2010-12-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

Heres a thought. Back in the good old elementary days, I had a teacher who would call all the absent kids sugar babies. Why? Easy, they were all sugar cubes that would be afraid to go out cause they would melt in the water. This has stuck in my mind since then. I've always been a fan of the rain. A little water doesn't hurt anyone, unless you have a car accident.
Woke up this morning feeling so low. Not sure why. Perhaps it was last night, when I decided to start this mumbo jumbo bloggin hobby. No, actually it was before when I had a pretty serious conversation with someone. I hate confessions, and I hate hearing the truth. It stings like a bitch. I guess it has to do with the way I really cling on to people I care about. There are many reasons I cling on to people. Maybe because of my childhood and the endless times I spent it alone, or perhaps my parents separation at such a young age. Many factors contribute to that, but no one really cares to know of hear about it, so I'll stop yapping about it now.
Today I took a drive in the rain, and I kept listening to Coldplay. That Chris Martin always has a way with words. I started to think of where will I be a year from now. The future is the most scariest thing I fear currently. I guess thats why my heart cant be at ease with anything.
Ann...that kid is just amazing. We had a scheduled Dr's appt today, but I decided to skip it. Every time we go they just check her vitals and her status. To me she seems a bit happier now. She is trying to eat by mouth, instead of using her NG tube (nasal gastric tube) We only use that tube for medication purposes, as she cant drink thin liquids to to her complete dysphagia. But puree foods are not an issue. Hey, if the kid wants to eat, then I will feed her as long as she can tolerate it. I don't want to deprive her of not tasting food. Yes, she is in hospice, but my duty as a mother is to keep her happy and comfortable. Ann wanted to walk today too. Sadly she doesn't have much motion on her legs but we hold her and try to encourage her to move her feet. She even mentioned school. YUP, Ann wants to go back to school. The home life with Nick Jr is not cutting it for her. She is doing better now. When we started her hospice it was not so peachy. Her breathing was an issue and congestion, and we had some pretty scary times. I even used morphine to help her out. It gets frightening. But now my little fighter has the will to live, she has the desire to go back to her regular life. This tumor has held us prisoner for the last 7 months and counting. IF only it could disappear and give me back my little girl. Sometimes it feels like I'm being robbed from life...I've been robbed and deprived from other things so far and this is just that most difficult thing I've encountered.

Leave the melancholy up to Coldplay

2010-12-29T00:22:00.000-08:00

While hanging with a friend, this song came to mind. I felt his misery, then I felt mine. This song is exceptionally pure with messages. Sometimes I wish I could write songs to dig out this brain of mine, to let people know how it all feels. Yet, there is no clear comprehending as to how ones thoughts revolve. Sad.

Intro Blog...

2010-12-28T22:52:00.000-08:00

Internet world, what have you done to me. You have me writing a few things that I must let out. First and foremost, I am going through one of the roughest and toughest time of my life. I am a single mother to a 4 year old who has a malignant brain tumor. She was diagnosed this year in May. After 6 months of treatment with 1 round of radiation and 2 rounds of chemo, the tumor is now resisting any kind of treatment, and my daughter is currently in hospice care. I left my job in late October to care for her full time. Nov 1st will always be one of the hardest days of my life, as we were told nothing could be done, and the tumor was aggressive. Sadly this tumor has no cure, and it cant be operated on. It is located in such a compromised location of the brain that it would affect any human function. This has been by far the most difficult war. A children's hospital is a place where your heart wears heavy. No one can imagine a child being sick. They are young and innocent children, pure and little angels, but diseases do strike them too, and sadly they have a tougher time dealing with many hospital aspects. Ann (my daughter) entered a hospital world, scared and confused, not knowing what was going on. As a parent you feel overwhelmed by all the things your child goes through. A parents goal is to protect them from harm. As Ann was diagnosed, I felt guilt. I felt like I didn't protect her from this tumor. So much to take in as a parent, and as a single parent, its a bit worse. In between my childs diagnose, I suffered from heartache. So much to take in, with little understanding from the people that surrounded me. The majority of this year has been a blur. From hospital visits, to long hospitalizations, to drowning myself in sorrows. Its been a downward spiral. My salvation to my sanity has been hockey. Previously I was just an avid fan, but now I've become slightly more obsessed with the sport. I got a few things that keep me entertained, like cupcake and beer tasting, music (which is a big factor in my life) and comics. And like that I try to keep my mind busy to my cruel reality. If this is a part of my life, and if thats the way its mapped out for me, then I have no choice but to accept it. Every hurdle is a difficult task...but I must keep my head up and keep on truckin'. anddddddddddd that pretty much it! Currently life situation: difficult!