Rain scares the sugar babies

Heres a thought. Back in the good old elementary days, I had a teacher who would call all the absent kids sugar babies. Why? Easy, they were all sugar cubes that would be afraid to go out cause they would melt in the water. This has stuck in my mind since then. I've always been a fan of the rain. A little water doesn't hurt anyone, unless you have a car accident. 
Woke up this morning feeling so low. Not sure why. Perhaps it was last night, when I decided to start this mumbo jumbo bloggin hobby. No, actually it was before when I had a pretty serious conversation with someone. I hate confessions, and I hate hearing the truth. It stings like a bitch. I guess it has to do with the way I really cling on to people I care about. There are many reasons I cling on to people. Maybe because of my childhood and the endless times I spent it alone, or perhaps my parents separation at such a young age. Many factors contribute to that, but no one really cares to know of hear about it, so I'll stop yapping about it now. 
Today I took a drive in the rain, and I kept listening to Coldplay. That Chris Martin always has a way with words. I started to think of where will I be a year from now. The future is the most scariest thing I fear currently. I guess thats why my heart cant be at ease with anything. 
Ann...that kid is just amazing. We had a scheduled Dr's appt today, but I decided to skip it. Every time we go they just check her vitals and her status. To me she seems a bit happier now. She is trying to eat by mouth, instead of using her NG tube (nasal gastric tube) We only use that tube for medication purposes, as she cant drink thin liquids to to her complete dysphagia. But puree foods are not an issue. Hey, if the kid wants to eat, then I will feed her as long as she can tolerate it. I don't want to deprive her of not tasting food. Yes, she is in hospice, but my duty as a mother is to keep her happy and comfortable. Ann wanted to walk today too. Sadly she doesn't have much motion on her legs but we hold her and try to encourage her to move her feet. She even mentioned school. YUP, Ann wants to go back to school. The home life with Nick Jr is not cutting it for her. She is doing better now. When we started her hospice it was not so peachy. Her breathing was an issue and congestion, and we had some pretty scary times. I even used morphine to help her out. It gets frightening. But now my little fighter has the will to live, she has the desire to go back to her regular life. This tumor has held us prisoner for the last 7 months and counting. IF only it could disappear and give me back my little girl. Sometimes it feels like I'm being robbed from life...I've been robbed and deprived from other things so far and this is just that most difficult thing I've encountered. 

Leave the melancholy up to Coldplay

While hanging with a friend, this song came to mind. I felt his misery, then I felt mine. This song is exceptionally pure with messages. Sometimes I wish I could write songs to dig out this brain of mine, to let people know how it all feels. Yet, there is no clear comprehending as to how ones thoughts revolve. Sad. 

Intro Blog...

Internet world, what have you done to me. You have me writing a few things that I must let out.  First and foremost, I am going through one of the roughest and toughest time of my life. I am a single mother to a 4 year old who has a malignant brain tumor. She was diagnosed this year in May. After 6 months of treatment with 1 round of radiation and 2 rounds of chemo, the tumor is now resisting any kind of treatment, and my daughter is currently in hospice care. I left my job in late October to care for her full time. Nov 1st will always be one of the hardest days of my life, as we were told nothing could be done, and the tumor was aggressive. Sadly this tumor has no cure, and it cant be operated on. It is located in such a compromised location of the brain that it would affect any human function. This has been by far the most difficult war. A children's hospital is a place where your heart wears heavy. No one can imagine a child being sick. They are young and innocent children, pure and little angels, but diseases do strike them too, and sadly they have a tougher time dealing with many hospital aspects. Ann (my daughter) entered a hospital world, scared and confused, not knowing what was going on. As a parent you feel overwhelmed by all the things your child goes through. A parents goal is to protect them from harm. As Ann was diagnosed, I felt guilt. I felt like I didn't protect her from this tumor.  So much to take in as a parent, and as a single parent, its a bit worse. In between my childs diagnose, I suffered from heartache. So much to take in, with little understanding from the people that surrounded me. The majority of this year has been a blur. From hospital visits, to long hospitalizations, to drowning myself in sorrows. Its been a downward spiral. My salvation to my sanity has been hockey. Previously I was just an avid fan, but now I've become slightly more obsessed with the sport. I got a few things that keep me entertained, like cupcake and beer tasting, music (which is a big factor in my life) and comics. And like that I try to keep my mind busy to my cruel reality. If this is a part of my life, and if thats the way its mapped out for me, then I have no choice but to accept it. Every hurdle is a difficult task...but I must keep my head up and keep on truckin'.  anddddddddddd that pretty much it! Currently life situation: difficult!